Many teenagers go through a rebellious or ‘crazy’ phase that is typical for their age. It is a result of normal adolescent brain development. The difference between ‘normal’ teen-crazy and abnormal troubled behavior is when the teenager starts falling behind his or her peers in multiple life situations: school, social life, emotional maturity, self-control or self discipline, risk awareness, and self-esteem.
At a bare minimum, a normal teen will be able to do the following no matter how troublesome:
- Attend school and do some school work if they want to;
- Have and keep a friend or friends their own age who also attend school;
- Develop a maturity level roughly the same as his or her peers;
- Exercise self-control if he or she wants to;
- Demonstrate basic survival instincts, avoid serious risks, and avoid harming themselves, others, or property.
- Seek out and enjoy several activities that interest them.
It is normal for teens to be inconsistent, irrational, insensitive to others, self-centered, and childish. Screaming or swearing is normal. These are basically toddler temper tantrums. Also normal: outlandish imagination; rebelliousness and threats; and acting without thinking of the consequences. Unless something else is holding them back, normal crazy teens grow out of these behaviors. If you occasionally see glimpses of growth and change, they may likely be OK. If you don’t, and if it’s happened for a long time, they may not grow out of it and need extra help.
So how do you tell the difference?
Look for pervasive patterns of social and behavioral problems that stand out against their peers. How long have troubling patterns been occurring? When did they start? Were their hints of problems in early childhood or did they emerge recently? Are their ‘crazy’ patterns repeating themselves in multiple settings? Has everything you’ve tried failed?
Signs of abnormal behavior
A sudden change in their behavior and demeanor.
- An abrupt change in friends and interests, or a loss of interest in things your teenager used to enjoy. This might indicate the onset of a serious mental illness or drug use or both.
- Unusual ideas, or obsessive beliefs, or unrealistic plans. This might be a disconnect from reality like in psychosis: “Unsettling: what psychosis looks like in children and young people.” It might be “magical thinking” brought on by extreme self-absorption or an obsession. It might be due to drug use, especially marijuana with high TNC content.
- Other people have concerns about your child. Maybe your child’s friend comes forward, their teacher calls, other parents keep their children from your child, or someone checks to see if you’re aware of the nature of his or her behaviors.
Unsafe behaviors (“Unsafe” means there’s a danger of harm to themselves or others, property loss or damage, running away, seeking experiences with significant risk (or easily lured into them), abusing substances, or physical or emotional abuse of themselves or others.)
- When a troubled teenager does something unsafe to themselves or others it is not an accident but something intentional and planned. It may also be a result of “magical thinking,” psychosis, or difficulty coping with reality.
- They have a history of intentional unsafe activities.
- They have or seek the means to do unsafe activities.
- They talk about or threaten unsafe behavior.
How psychologists measure the severity of a child’s behavior
“Normal” is defined with textual descriptions of behaviors which are arranged on a spectrum from normal to abnormal. Below are a few common examples of a range of behaviors in different settings. Perhaps they offer insight into what level your child is functioning and the intensity of mental health treatment they’ll need.
School behaviors
Not serious – This child has occasional problems with a teacher or classmate that are eventually worked out, and usually don’t happen again. They seem typical compared to other students.
Mildly serious – This child disobeys school rules but doesn’t harm anyone or property. Compared to their classmates, they are troublesome or concerning, but not seriously difficult. They may not work hard enough or focus, and might benefit from a school counselor, mentor, or therapist.
Serious – This child disobeys rules repeatedly, or skips school, or is known to disobey rules outside of school. Compared to other students, they stand out in the crowd as having chronic behavior problems. Their grades are poor even if they’re capable of better. This child needs mental health or substance abuse treatment.
Very serious – This child cannot be in school due to disruption affecting others. They cannot follow rules, and they threaten or hurt others or property. It is feared they may end up in jail. This child requires intensive mental health and/or substance abuse treatment but likely won’t cooperate.
Home behaviors
Not serious – Most of the time, this child is well-behaved but has occasional problems which are usually worked out. They are fairly typical compared to others of their age.
Mildly serious – This child has to be watched and reminded often and needs pushing to follow rules or do chores or homework. They are endlessly frustrating, or defiant and manipulative, but their actions aren’t serious enough to merit intensive treatment. This is when a school or private counselor would be very beneficial.
Serious – This child cannot follow rules, even reasonable ones. They can’t explain their behavior nor take responsibility for it. Your child may damage property; become paralyzed by anxiety and depression, or do harm to themselves or others. Mental health treatment or substance abuse treatment is paramount.
Very serious – The stress caused by this child means the family cannot manage normally even if they get help and work together. Threats of suicide, violence, or drug use are common. Their behaviors require daily sacrifices from all. Emergency responders are commonly called. This child needs intense psychiatric treatment and/or substance abuse treatment, and likely residential treatment.
Relationship behaviors
Not serious – The child has and keeps a friend or friends their own age. They have healthy friendships with people of different ages, such as with a grandparent or younger neighbor.
Mildly serious – This child is immature and often loses friends because they argue, tease, or bully, and schoolmates keep their distance. The friends they have are often short term or troublesome themselves and negatively affect your child’s mental health. This child would benefit from a strong mentor and a therapist.
Serious – The child has no friends or very risky friends who are often not their age. They sway your child into high risk behavior, negative treatment towards others and themselves, and drug use. They don’t care about how they affect others. This child needs therapy and psychiatric mental health treatment or substance abuse treatment.
Very serious – The child’s behavior is so aggressive physically or psychologically, families take radical steps to protect themselves or they become traumatized by the abuse. Negative behaviors are repeated and may be deliberate, and result in the loss of family mental health and parental PTSD. This child needs intensive psychiatric and/or substance abuse treatment, and may only get it while incarcerated.
Pay attention to your gut feelings.
If you’ve been searching for answers and selected this article to read, your suspicions are probably correct. Trust your intuition. Most parents have excellent insight but may doubt themselves. If you’re looking for ways to quickly get your child on track, these probably don’t exist. There just aren’t any incentives/consequences, boundaries, medications, or therapies that guarantee your child keeps up with peers. Brain change is slow to nonexistent. What you can do for yourself is lower expectations, change how you set boundaries and structure, ensure adequate sleep for everyone, improve diet, and possibly get mental health treatment for family members too.
Move milestones way back, or possibly forget about them for this year, or 5 years
Prepare yourself for a parenting marathon. Mental disorders are serious and it’s difficult stop them getting worse. Expect setbacks. Address very few issues at a time. Put concerted effort into your wellbeing and that of other important relationships.
Act now while your troubled teenager is young. Early treatment can prevent a lifetime of problems. Find good people and professionals who take time to get to know you as much as your child and who will listen to what you have to say.
–Margaret
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I have been trying to obtain help for years. My daughter threatens harm to herself and now has a well thought out plan to kill my family. The police won’t do anything, her counselor wants to work on a safety plan, hospitals can’t put her on a 72hr hold. I’m lost and scared. Not to mention i found out she is trying to get pregnant at age 15. Does anyone have any ideas? I have 2 other daughters that she has harmed and scared them not to tell. Please please any info to help we are in Federal Way Washington.
Thank you,
Scared Mom
Hello Charlene,
I’ve not been able to respond quickly because I have a new job with lots of demands, but your plea is hard to ignore. From the few details you provided, it seems your daughter may have a mood disorder, and to me, she has some similar behaviors to my own daughter at that age. The very first thing you must do is what the school counselor suggested–work on a safety plan… It is also called a crisis plan. You are in a crisis but you CAN turn this around.
You may need to go to some extremes because you have not one person (your troubled daughter) but 4 people who must be shielded from harm counting you and the younger girls. I encourage you to read two other articles on this these subjects that may help:
The authorities you need help from aren’t helping, a sadly common situation in families like ours and so unfair. It victimizes the victims, but you are not helpless. Take a deep breath and think of every possible way to lessen the risks you daughter has placed on your family. These are some ideas of things other parents have had to do.
Pregnancy prevention: get a Depo Provera shot for your daughter or a birth control implant ASAP. You have the right to follow her if you think she will seek out sex.
Search your daughter’s room when she is not there and look for things that are dangerous and remove them–this is perfectly legal. You even have the right to search a computer or laptop or cell phone for names and contacts of people who negatively influence her or provide drugs. She has most likely used alcohol and street drugs. Marijuana can cause angry, agitated, and assaultive behavior in adolescents with psychiatric disorders.
Tell everyone you need help, everyone who has any contact with her at all, neighbors, teachers, parents of friends, even risky friends, businesses where she may hang out, etc. Let everyone know you are watching out for her and want information on her associates or any risky behavior. This will frighten inappropriate adults away if they find out you’re watching.
She will hate you for this, but there’s one important thing about teenagers, even troubled ones, they secretly appreciate that someone cares enough to go to these lengths. It’s scary out there and they don’t trust themselves one some level. Really!
Consider therapy for you and your younger daughters together, without your 15 year old. You all need to speak openly about this. They need to feel secure and safe and probably don’t. They need to hear that you love them very much and will look out for them. These girls need advice on what to do for you, themselves, and each other when there’s another crisis. A therapist can lovingly guide you all. They are being forced to grow up too fast, but you can give them strength to endure and enjoy childhood.
Take a deep breath, encircle yourself with good people, lean on them, take breaks. Something will happen, your daughter will get into enough trouble that help will come. Please hang in there.
Margaret
What do you do about a child who is mildly serious? How do you keep them from becoming a serious threat to himself and others?
This is a fantastic question! With any child that is showing signs of serious troubles, even little signs, first check the facts. What does a teacher observe? What does another family member or close friend observe?
Then ask the child very considerately how they feel, and be very frank if necessary: “Have you ever thought about hurting yourself? Have you ever thought about hurting someone else? Or, are you afraid you might do something crazy? Or just too afraid of something (anything) that it’s getting too hard to cope?
Reassure the child that they are not in trouble, and their feelings don’t make them a bad person. Let them know clearly that you care how they’re doing. Let them know that others care how they’re doing.
Listen to what they say without judgment or advice or warnings until you are clear yourself about what they’re experiencing. Ask them what they need from you/others when they experience problems. A troubled child might come up with something that makes little sense to you, but if it’s safe, try it. Whatever it takes to REDUCE STRESS and BUILD TRUST.
Keep them talking with you or someone they trust. Keep a communication bridge open. This is extremely important. The whole point is to have the child trust you enough to cooperate with mental health treatment if needed. AND as important, to make they’re problems ‘acceptable’ or ‘OK’ with the rest of the family. They can’t be stigmatized; they must be tolerated or supported if they have problems.
Hope this helps. Good luck. Things work out.
Margaret
Hopefully this will give my brothers brain a jolt with his evil daughter who is 17. I rate her more than very serious but he who is a medical doctor is frightened at upsetting her! This girl needs help and boot camp!! How can i as an onlooker get help for this child??
Hello Sally,
Many parents have the same response as your brother, whether they are doctors or drop outs. He may have two things on his mind: if I upset her, she’ll make my life hell, or if I upset her, she’ll do something to hurt herself. In my own case, I was worried about triggering a suicide attempt. II have a suggestion for helping your brother.
First, he needs to admit she needs serious mental health treatment, psychiatric and psychotherapeutic. Perhaps you can show him this article.
Second, he needs to build up inner strength,and make a crisis plan for managing the backlash when he tries to get treatment for your niece. He will need tons of support from you and others, possibly his own therapist (we parents really need our own therapists in tough cases like this). He will need to hear he’s a good dad and doing the right thing, that his daughter will still love him and show it someday, that it’s no one’s fault, that he’s not alone.
Last, he will need a support network that will be with him for several more years, at least until she’s 24-25. That’s how long it takes before a troubled child can start to be functional again.
Good luck, and good sister for asking on your brother’s behalf.
Margaret
Dear Margaret
We have been telling my brother this for over 5 years now. Unfortunately his wife who was ill and dying could not cope with this child and that child even beat up on her mother and my brother did NOTHING!!!!All of his friends and Family have been Standing by him now for all this time and whatever we tell him to do or suggest he ignores, because he fells he might upset this Monster!!! And you are right- MY BROTHER Needs the Boot camp too to wash his head of this nonsense!! My niece has threatened my Family in Canada where they reside with homicide…Do you realise now why I am worried. I live in Germany and am looking on from so far away!! She stand s to inherit a very very large amount of Money and my brother hasnt changed his will!!She as a drug addict steals from his Company(Loads of Money) which he just excuses. She steals clothing and goes to Restaurants and then runs out wihtout paying to get a thrill- the adrenaline rush. She steals Money from the visa Card from my mother an old woman.She steals from her friends. She lies through her teeth. She stabs bedroom doors of the Family and then lays knives on their beds threatening them…and no one does anything even NOT my brother whom I thought being a medical doctor would see how explosive this Situation is. She has no Intention of killing herself..she is too selfish for that!! She has absolutely NO concience!!She has told us she hates my mother and her sister and would like to murder my mother. Shes told her father shes not kissing his f…..g feet any more. If this was my daughter I would surely Show her true love!!!And it wouldnt be nice!! I am very very worried about this Situation .This Monster also is an alcoholic since 14 but my brother has turned a blind eye- his poor wife couldnt cope. My brother is in total denial of everything and Im getting pretty aggressive and have NO understanding whatsoever for him or this creature-most despicable specimen of humanity.
I know this will take a Long time to fix- but how do we convince this stupid man!!!I would be very greatful for all the help I can get. And thank you very much from the heart for your quick Response.
Regards
Sally-ann Mcclelland
You clearly have disdain and abundant judgement toward your brother “the medical doctor” and your niece “the monster”. Surely your negativity and the way you view your family makes then less receptive to any concerns, advice or input you may have offered up to them. The judgemental, righteous tone you write this comment with makes it clear that you refuse to play any supportive rule in improving the daily situation. Your time comes off as one of jealousy (constantly referring to him as the medical doctor when his job is irrelevant…. he’s simply a parent in this situation, nothing more) and cuteness (no human especially a child should be referred to as a monster – it lacks dignity). And while it’s true that your fault needs help I think attitudes like yours only hinder an already difficult situation. Try showing actual support and treating your fault with dignity and respect rather than snarky remarks and you may find they respond better. Just a thought.
Omg!!! Just New read the last paragraph wherein you called your brother a STUPID MAN and your niece a CREATURE! YOU clearly need help. Your daily is undoubtedly better without your input. You disgust me.
My brother is out of control he falls into the serious catergory in school and home. my mother is trying to look for help but when she finds help from the gov or courts, they usually dont help.
I am concerned for my son,he is in the mild category, he doesn’t talk much unless it’s to argue so I am a little concerned (he loves to argue and he likes to bring others into the conversation whenever he feels that we are picking on him) so I am not sure how to get through to him, we have a good relationship ship but he will purposely be annoying and then say, we never praise him…..he chooses to show the negative behavior, how do I praise him without supporting his behavior (I also am concerned bc there is a history of bipolar and I to not want that to be the case )
Hello Tina,
Your son sounds emotionally manipulative, which may or may not be intentional. Regular teens can go through a defiant, manipulative, and hurtful phase that eventually passes. If you have a good relationship in general, then he may be angry or irritated–perhaps he doesn’t like how he’s being treated and wants to be treated differently? Instead of communicating his needs honestly, he’s throwing out distractions and being obnoxious. Perhaps he’s frustrated and doesn’t think he can say what he wants to say? Perhaps he wants to be praised for something else? or not at all?
You might try bringing his unspoken feelings out in the open by frankly asking what’s bothering him: “You’ve been arguing a lot and you seem irritated, what’s bothering you?; Are we doing something that irritates you?”; “Is there something else on your mind?”. But before you ask any questions steel yourself for a blast of anger, and prepare to listen without reacting or responding. You WANT him to let everything out that’s bottled up! When you ask him these questions, he may say something hurtful and refuse to answer. Just wait. Ask again and say something like “Really, I want to know and I promise I won’t say anything.” Then wait more. Let there be an uncomfortable silence and wait. When someone releases their feelings, they need to feel heard, and this happens when you do nothing but pay attention and listen, and repeat what you heard now and then. No input except for acknowledgement.
It’s hard to tell from your comment if there are bipolar symptoms. Are there? Be honest with yourself if you see them. If so, these things should happen:
— The first is really hard, face it and be strong, grieve, accept, and have hope. You can handle this because you are a good mom. You wouldn’t have commented if you weren’t!
— The second thing is to get mental health treatment for him, and add in a good diet, exercise, sleep, & gut health.
— Next, hold a family meeting with or without him depending on the situation (trust your gut). Lead your family to work together, support each other, and be a team. You want a strong family and a therapeutic home for everyone, especially you. As the team leader, be prepared for discomfort at first. Everyone needs to have a say and there may be bottled up emotions.
Please feel free to clarify anything or ask questions. The fact that you have a good relationship with your son is very very positive. You may just have to endure his behavior and pull back on things that irritate him.
My son spends a lot of time in his room, which we find frustrating!! He rarely sits downstairs with us. He is 22 years old. 2 years ago he was smoking weed, and it had a bad effect on him… he was paranoid, barely washed. Wasn’t the same person.
He had stopped smoking, and I think he probably had the occasional. However 8 weeks ago, his nan was killed in Jamaica we all went over for the funeral. Myself and my daughters returned home a few days before my husband and son. When my husband and son returned, I noticed something behind my sons ear. I asked him what it was, he said a smoke. I asked what was in it. He said weed. His dad got very angry.. and said he thought he had learnt from 2 years ago, and the effect it had on him. My son said he was smoking in Jamaica.
I had to get in between the 2 of them, as it was getting physical. Since then my son has become rude, more than before he went to Jamaica. He is constantly in his room, with the door closed. It use to be slightly open. He waits until we go to bed, then comes downstairs to watch tv.
We are all grieving.. and finding this really difficult. Don’t know what to do about him. He doesn’t work, doesn’t claim benefit.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t his mom.. he’s hard work. Can you help?
Hello Sandra,
I will help as best I can. It sounds like your family is under more stress than it can handle right now, and it’s being aimed at your son’s behavior. This, and smoking, will push him over the edge. You are understandably frustrated and exhausted. Your husband is too, and his comes out as anger and a willingness to be physical. Your son can’t handle this stress at all, so hiding in his room might be the best option, or the lesser of other bad options.
What you witnessed after his first use of marijuana was psychosis. Marijuana triggers psychosis in about 18% of young people in their teens and twenties. Psychotic symptoms change one’s personality and they will say and do things they would not ordinarily do. It looks like depression, anxiety, or sadly, schizophrenia. People with schizoid type disorders are paranoid, they don’t take care of themselves, they have strange beliefs and usually hallucinations. Being isolated and alone is normal for people with schizophrenia, and it actually helps them (only if they are being safe!).
This is a guess: If your son became psychotic once, a risk remained an underlying condition. Then something stressful happened, and he chose marijuana to reduce his stress (his nan’s death?). Using marijuana would make him feel better briefly, but worsen his mental state. This happened to my daughter, who was eventually diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I made things much worse for her by being frustrated and angry at her because she was falling behind in life. Now I regret it so much. Don’t do what I did. The best thing for now is to back off and work on a low stress household. Support yourself and your husband and daughter on healing, peace, and wellbeing.
Your son needs to be seen by a mental health specialist ASAP (!) if he is willing to go (or even if you can bribe him to go). His parents’ anger, frustration, and demands can drive him into deeper psychotic behavior, which worsens over time without treatment. You need his trust and he needs relief.
Since it’s your household, you have the right to search his room and take away any marijuana or other drugs, but not when he’s there! Be careful, this can unfold into a lengthy emotional upheaval. It’s important for you and your husband to support each other, and support and calm your son, not vent anger.
Hold these thoughts in mind as the most important things for now for you, your family, and your son.
Safety first. Is everyone psychically and emotionally safe? Many problems are not worth a battle.
Acceptance. You son may be very sick and not capable of being the person you’d love for him to be. Let go of things that are not serious even if they’re difficult for you. Put first things first.
Family balance. Pay attention to your husband and daughter as much as you do him, or even more. You all need to be strong and healthy first, before you can help your son.
Expectations that are realistic. This is a long road. Pace yourself, take just one step at a time or one day at a time.
I wish you the best.
Hello Sandra,
I will help as best I can. It sounds like your family is under more stress than it can handle right now, and it’s all being aimed at your son’s behavior. This, and smoking, will push him over the edge. You are understandably frustrated and exhausted. Your husband is too, and angry and willing to be physical. Your son can’t handle this stress at all, so hiding in his room might be the best option, or the lesser of other bad options.
What you witnessed after his first use of marijuana was psychosis. Marijuana triggers psychosis in about 18% of young people in their teens and twenties. Psychotic symptoms change one’s personality and they’ll say and do things they would not ordinarily do. It looks like depression, anxiety, or sadly, schizophrenia. People with schizoid type disorders are paranoid, they don’t take care of themselves, they have strange beliefs and usually hallucinations. Being isolated and alone is normal for people with schizophrenia, and it actually helps them (if they are being safe!).
This is a guess: If your son became psychotic once, the risk remained an underlying condition. Then something stressful happened, and he chose marijuana to reduce his stress (his nan’s death?). Using marijuana would make him feel better briefly, but worsen his mental state. This happened to my daughter, who was eventually diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I made things much worse for her by being frustrated and angry at her because she was falling behind in life. Now I regret it so much. Don’t do what I did. The best thing for now is to back off and work on a low stress household—support yourself and your husband and daughter on healing, peace, and wellbeing.
Your son needs to be seen by a mental health specialist ASAP (!) if he is willing to go (or even if you can bribe him to go). His parents’ anger, frustration, and demands can drive him into deeper psychotic behavior, which worsens over time without treatment. You need his trust and he needs relief.
Since it’s your household, you have the right to search his room and take away any marijuana or other drugs, but not when he’s there! Be careful, this unfold into a lengthy emotional upheaval. It’s important for you and your husband to support each other and support and calm him, not vent anger.
Hold these thoughts in mind as the most important things for now for you, your family, and your son.
Safety first. Is everyone psychically and emotionally safe? Many problems are not worth a battle.
Acceptance. You son may be very sick and not capable of being the person you’d love for him to be. Let go of things that are not serious even if they’re difficult for you. Put first things first.
Family balance. Pay attention to your husband and daughter as much as you do him, or even more. You all need to be strong and healthy first, before you can help your son.
Expectations that are realistic. This is a long road. Pace yourself, take just one step at a time or one day at a time.
I wish you the best.
Thank you so much for your comment… it has made things clearer. However you have mentioned about searching his room when he’s not there, he’s always here!! He doesn’t go anywhere. I wish he would. He has no friends like he use to.
I would love him to get some help, medically, but he refuses it. I don’t know how to get the ball rolling. At the moment his aunt is trying to help him apply for jobs… and to claim benefits.
But if he isn’t in the right frame of mind, is this a good idea? The thing is, he isn’t stupid, he has a good head on his shoulders. But right now he has to be guided every step of the way with things.
I have mentioned it to my gp before, and he said my son has to come into the surgery himself. I wish he would do a home-visit.
I’m now not looking forward to bed time, as my son is up most of the night, while we’re in bed!
It’s common for people to refuse help, and extremely frustrating for families because they know their child needs it but they can’t force them to go. Sadly, it can take a crisis to finally get them help. I know of troubled children who had to commit a crime before they received psychiatric care or hospitalization… and they were the lucky ones. Too often someone with mental illness ends up in jail. I know about children who got help because they attempted suicide, assaulted someone, or had such extreme behavior in public that bystanders were afraid and called the police. In these cases, it was obviously a mental health problem and not criminal behavior.
The one thing that helped me most was a book by Xavier Amador titled “I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help – How to Help Someone Accept Mental Health Treatment.” The basic messages:
1) A troubled child is completely unaware they are behaving differently than others, so telling them they’re sick makes no sense.
2) Trust is everything. Because they think parents are trying to control them or their lives, and not making sense to them, they don’t trust the very people who can help them.
3) Developing trust means asking them what they want, and agreeing to those things that aren’t important, and agreeing to those things that are the most important for them. A parent should only hold the line on a few critical things. In your case, absolutely no marijuana, but he can stay in his room. Ask his opinion. For example, he may refuse treatment, so you agree that only if he’s ‘appropriate’ (safe, clean, respectful, not harmful to himself or others) you will support him not getting treatment. Again, this may not make sense, but it builds trust.
It’s good that his aunt is seeking benefits. He may not be able to hold a job if he’s not being treated. Guiding him every step of the way is what you do. That’s common for all young people with mental health problems. Just do it because it will work. He doesn’t have the capacity to manage much on his own. But this can change over time, so be patient.
Take care.
I’m so sorry to be a nuisance… I appreciate your advice, it’s going to be a very long, hard road! But your advice will certainly help. I meant to ask you about hygiene… my son is sleeping in his clothes! On top of the bed, I have said to him that he needs to wash, he says he will. But then he goes to sleep again, in his clothes, and the cycle starts again.
He is starting to smell. Also his room. I’m a Christian, and keep asking God… why is this happening to us… to him
This is a great question, and the answer should help build an important relationship with your son. It’s also the start of self-care for you.
He can’t do what you ask or he would have already. He is basically incapacitated. This exact thing happened with my child (and I mean exact thing). Try this. Do all the laundry yourself, as you would if he had a flu. But first, tell him you’re going to do this, and ask him the best time, or catch him when he’s alert enough to change his clothes (if he agrees). Ask him to let you in his room, and you take it from there. Wash everything. Also, get one of those spray odor removers (best without a scent) and spray his whole room.
Why be a maid to a smart 22 year old man?
First, because he’s obviously ill and needs assistance.
Second, because you will feel 100% better without an icky smell in the house… this is about your mental health, too.
Third, because you’ll show proper respect by requesting his cooperation instead of telling him what to do–it’s how one should treat an adult.
Please let us know how this works.
–Margaret
Hello again Sandra, I’ve been thinking about the last thing you wrote in your comments about asking God “why is this happening to us… to him.” I can’t answer the question of why but I can tell you this, knowing the answer won’t help you. An explanation will not tell you what to do. Ask God for strength, forbearance, and support instead. One thing you will learn from this experience is the true meaning of faith. For me and many other parents, including those who had no beliefs whatsoever, there were times when there was nothing left but faith.
–Margaret
Thank you for your last reply, my son hasn’t changed much at all… still not working. Now he is sleeping on top of his bed, in his clothes. He doesn’t get in it. And I’m still having to say, have you had a wash!! When will this end??
Hello again Sandra,
Your son is not going to get better without help. You can remind him and ask him but it wont work. You said he refuses help–sadly, most others with early mental illness refuse help. This makes it so difficult and frustrating! But we parents can handle this situation with a very different approach and lots of patience. Your prayer will help, but take action also. Here are three suggestions:
1. Get my book, “Raising Troubled Kids” on Amazon. It was written to help parents’ help their child, no matter what age or diagnosis. I raised my own mentally ill child and worked with 100’s of other parents, so I have a good idea what works. Another good book is “I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help” by Xavier Amador. I mentioned it in previous response. It is longer and little more complicated to read, but it’s very good.
2. Find a NAMI Chapter near you and visit or call or attend a group for family members of a mentally ill person. This is the National Alliance for Mental Illness, and you can find chapters across the USA on their website http://www.nami.org. It really helps to talk with someone face-to-face.
3. If you can’t find a NAMI chapter, hire me! I am a counselor for parents with mentally ill children and young adults, and I’ve been doing this for over 20 years. Like any other counselor, I can’t help you without knowing your full story in your words, and asking lots and lots of questions. You can find out more by going to the “Help By Phone” page.
Your son needs you to do the work for him. He really isn’t able to manage now and he won’t automatically get better without help. You can do this! I’ve seen it happen over and over, parents can turn things around for their child.
My daughter is not a teenager yet, but I’ve had concerns for a while. School was supporting couple of years ago, but this has been dropped now. I can see behaviours consistent with mildly serious. Couple of years agonweve attended positive parenting course, and it helped a bit, but didn’t answer questions about the behaviours she shows in other environments. She used to be berserk and we couldnt get through to her at all. We’ve agreed on home rules, and most of the time she is happy enough to follow them, but when she doesnt, she really goes for it. She is intelligent, but becomes frustrated as soon as she sees an obstacle and is not doing at school as well as she could.
Considering she is under 10, and problems started when she was 3, I’m worried.
Hello Monika,
It’s good you’re asking about your daughter’s behavior now because you have more years ahead to support her. It’s also good that you’ve already attended a parenting course because you’ll have better insight into what you should and should not do for your child. Good mom. Since your daughter seemed different at such a young age and the differences have remained over the years, she may have a lifetime condition such as an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Her frustration and explosions are also symptoms, which is why she might fall on the “spectrum.” I recommend researching what the symptoms of ASD in children look like. Now this is really important, they are slightly different in girls than in boys. You can find credible information on Wikipedia and the Autism Speaks website.
There are quite a few things you can do for your daughter if she is indeed On the spectrum, these include special therapies such as ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) and RDI (Relationship Development Intervention), dietary change, some medications, and many many others. I recently heard a glowing testimonial from a mother on RDI. I suggest getting her assessed by a therapist or psychologist with experience in treating people with ASD.
There are three things you might do now: 1. Get a psychological assessment; 2. Read as much as you can about any diagnosis; 3. And take conscious steps to support yourself. As a parent, you will need to make extra special effort for a number of years and this can take its toll. Most of the childhood disorders have an organization behind them, and many of them offer parent support groups for parents like you, or online forums, or Facebook pages, newsletters, and even videos of parents or doctors explaining the disorder.
Have hope. Most children get better when they get the right treatment early; they can take care of themselves as adults, maintain positive friendships or family relationships, have jobs, avoid pitfalls like substance abuse, and take responsibility for their mental health. Since your daughter is intelligent and mostly cooperative, this bodes very well!
Take care, and don’t hesitate to ask any more questions.
Margaret
Thank you Margaret, it was like a cold shower to read your comment, but this is what I needed. It helps to know she is not just a naughty child, but needs support to have best life she can. I will speak with school. Conversationally, since getting your advice, I braved the subject with a friend, who works as SEN nurture in primary school and she expressed opinion that my daughter might have ADHD, attachment issues or spectrum, so further assessment will definitely help with more definite answer and then support.
Thank you!!!
Monika
Hi Margaret, I’m pleased to say, I spoke with my daughter’s GP and he has recognised the symptoms as autistic spectrum, referring us to further support teams. Its thanks to you, so thank you. Now the journey begins.
Logging off for now x
Monika
Hello Monika,
Thank you so much for following up with your discovery. You seem to have a great attitude about your daughter’s condition and the steps you need to take to support her! This is wonderful, and it will matter so much for her future. There is so much good information and support for those on the autism spectrum, not only as children but well on into adulthood. You can have a lot of hope.
I wish you the very best,
Margaret